Monthly Musings 01/2025

So I found a bunch of drafts on here, that at some stage I’d obviously had the intention of editing - making good enough to share - and then ‘floof’ more time passed and well other things came along and what can I say, my mind is an unhinged screw that at times becomes so precariously loose that there is a very real risk of the whole thing falling apart.

Ok so let’s just pick up from where we left off…

It’s been just over a year now since we moved into our new build home, on a new build estate, in a new build suburb where, along with filling each room, we unpacked numerous boxes into the purpose newly built studio. Well I must admit - and this is nothing new for those of you who have spoken to me at any point during these past 12 months - it just doesn’t fit.

Thich Nhat Hanh (Thây) has a beautiful saying - a gatha to be recited daily;

I have arrived. I am home.

In the here, in the now.

I am solid, I am free.

In the ultimate I dwell.

but for the past year I have felt anything but solid and far from feeling like I have arrived, I have felt as though I was in a perpetual state of circular motion swirling in and out of new ideas, back and forth with decisions, changing paths to and fro - on repeat - and no amount of thinking has been able to slow down the incessant noise, buzzing around in my painfully exhausted brain.

And then I took a trip down South,

Well actually I took a few trips down South.

And there it was. My aching body, along with my monkey mind, became familiarly grounded in a way that, if explained, would sound like utter mumbo jumbo. There is a simple fact my dear that has held true throughout my life. Whenever I feel the need to justify my choices to others I am often very loudly - and repeatedly - trying to justify my choices to myself.

So it won’t come as any great surprise then that - drumroll not required - we are once again surrounded by packing boxes and a mammoth list of things to do in what feels like a non stop carousel of alternative front doors and green grass dreams. I’ll share more about this later but for now just know that I’m happy. Truly happy. And I don’t have all the answers, actually I don’t even know half the questions and that’s really ok because when the ‘why’ feels right, the answer that suffices is, ‘just because’.

So in amongst all of this I’ve been floating around some ideas for how to ‘make a living’ whilst embodying this creative life, a dilemma that the majority of folks outside of academia encounter frequently. When I was about 5 years old my days were filled with either playing sticky toffee or doing gymnastics with my Dad outside or when it was bucketing it down, playing shoppies in my bedroom with my next door neighbour, Lorna, whose mum worked in a jewellery store and had gifted us a bunch of stationery from her shop that quite honestly made me feel like I was the most important grown up person there ever was.

This childhood memory has remained with me my whole life and the dream of owning my own shop has persisted throughout the past four decades, in amongst the variety of career opportunities that I have been so blessed with. I know it makes no sense right? I mean it’s such a painstaking challenge to make any money owning a bricks and mortar store these days (just ask Kate - go buy something!) but yet the nostalgic notion of having my own little shop still persists. Having this online version , you may think, would allow me to continue to play - without the stress of rent, hiring employees or indeed having to be in the same place, at the same time every single week which as you know is very unlikely to work for someone of my disposition - but it unfortunately falls short. Why? Well it’s the people that make the idea of having a shop feel so delicious. Folks popping in, saying hello, chatting about their day, and just being part of a community, something so much larger and more nourishing than simply adding stock to a faceless inventory whilst the world carries on regardless.

And so where does this lead me? Well I’m in the process of adding some collection pieces online along with creating a space for my Made on Desire garments so that I can share a snap shot of the slow fashion work that excites me but I’ll likely be as sporadic with my shop updates as I am with my monthly musings because my priority this year is to carve out more time for the actual making. Even if that means I am simply sitting on the floor surrounded by piles of old sketchbooks, I need to have time without a screen, time without ‘busy work’ so that I can listen to what needs to be said and honour the making process in a way that fosters connection, meaningful conversation and a whisper of hope.

And what of the shop you say? Well it’s just that - a childhood dream - one of many that the reality of adulthood has helped me to understand what’s best kept as a joyous memory.

So hopefully we can catch up soon. Let me know what you’re up to. I know I’m pretty useless at keeping in touch but you know I’m really pretty great at responding to emails so press reply and I’ll be hear, ready to listen.

Till next time, Le gach deagh dùrachd,

Leuca